The ego is the sense of a person’s worth. Ego makes us think of how important and valuable we are. Ego is not necessarily bad. Ego is self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-respect. It is not bad to have self-respect or self-esteem. However, a massive ego is bad. An unhealthy ego can prevent us from admitting we are wrong even when it is obvious that we are wrong.
If we allow our ego to dictate how we regard others rather than how they truly are, we have an unhealthy or inflated ego. It becomes detrimental because we see ourselves as more important than others. Such ego makes us arrogant. It makes us see ourselves as superior and others as inferior.
Disagreements are not necessarily bad. But the manner we react when we disagree with people might create conflicts.
Fear is not necessarily bad, but too much of fear is bad. Fear alerts us of danger and makes us to be cautious. Anger can be used to control bad situations or prevent people from doing wrong. Therefore, anger is not necessarily bad if we use it correctly.
We all have an ego to some degree. Neuroscience explains that emotions, which include anger, fear, happiness, feelings, etc., are the brain’s way of responding to situations. Emotions act like signals to what is happening around us. We are emotionally hurt when people say bad things about us. We are unhappy when people lie about us. Or when people look down on us.
However, how we react will also determine what happens next. Our reactions may pour fuel into a small fire and cause a great conflagration.
We do not like people saying things about us that are not true. We do not appreciate people looking down on us. We, too, must respect people. We must learn not to be sarcastic and insulting when we disagree with people. We must be aware of our demeanor towards people and do what we expect them to do to us. Then we would be maintaining peace.
In addressing issues to correct wrong perceptions, we must be civil and not spew vitriolic words. Invectives can shift people’s attention from the reason you responded. It could make people think you are a castigator. And could defeat the reason you responded in that manner. You could lose people’s understanding and support.
The discussion will now be about your response, rather than why you responded. You would now become the villain instead of being the victim.
Do not say or do anything that can be provocative when presenting a case that you want people to listen to and give a fair judgment. If provocations could solve the problem, you wouldn’t be presenting your case for a hearing. Do not do the same things you are condemning the other person of.
Allow the person you are accusing to speak. Don’t prevent him or her from speaking or wanting to deny. Leave the judgment to listeners.
Do not believe what people say about your opponent without giving the person the chance to defend or explain himself or herself. If the person denies what you were told, and you have not verified it, you cannot know who is telling the truth. Until you verify it, don’t believe only the accusers. Anyone of them could be lying. Until you have gotten the truth, don’t believe only one side. Proverbs 18:17 says, “He that speaks first in his own cause seems just; until his neighbor comes and examines him,” (KJ2000).
Do not direct your anger towards the person. Focus on the problems and the answers. If you fan the conflict, you make it difficult to manage and solve. Moreover, you cannot solve conflict if you refuse to listen to your opponent.
Ego does not want us to listen to the negative things people say about us. The negative things they say prick our conscience. If it is true that we do not treat people fairly, we will struggle to listen to people telling us. But if we train our mind we can learn to listen. And if we listen, we can make corrections and maintain relationships.
We may be embarrassed when people tell us what we are doing is wrong. And instead of listening, we may react wrongly and refute the accusation.
Most people can’t bear to hear the truth about themselves when the truth about them is negative. Yet they want to tell others how wrong others are. Our ego drives us on the ego trip, and we refuse to listen to our spouses when they complain about how we treat them. We feel insulted or embarrassed when our spouses tell us we are wrong. We don’t want to hear others tell us we are wrong. We want to be the only ones telling people how they are wrong.
Our ego will not let us listen. Yet we want our spouses to listen to us complain about them. We do not want to consider that how we treat our spouses, and others, might be making them uncomfortable. But we want them to listen to us complain that we are uncomfortable with how they treat us.
We say negative things about our opponents and want them to listen. But when they, too, tell us how they feel, then we become angry. We can’t, or don’t want to, listen when we are accused of wrongdoing. But we want people to listen when we accuse them of wrongdoing.
We want our spouses to listen to our rants but cannot listen to them express their disagreements with us. Ego has become our self-importance. We tell others how we think about them, and advise them to change their behaviors. Yet we are upset or embarrassed when people tell us the truth about our negative behaviors.
Ego tells us we are too important and superior to listen to people advising us to behave. Ego tells us they are inferior; they must not tell us we are wrong.
Therefore, instead of listening and evaluating what we hear, we disagree with people when the truth is told about our behaviors or character.
When politicians are on their campaign trail, they say anything to hurt their political opponents’ reputations.
When I hear what they say against each other, I wonder if the people making those statements have a conscience.
Some people believe their lies even when they know what they say is absurd. They appear to believe what they say against their fellow human beings even when it is obvious that they are lies. They say anything to gain the upper hand against their fellow human beings.
Do such people have a conscience?
When similar things are said about them, they cry blue murder. They rant and shout about how they have been wrongly accused and maligned. They demand an immediate retraction.
Can people like that be honest leaders? If a person can lie to get what he or she wants, won’t he or she lie to kill when desperate?
George Orwell stated in his essay, “Politics and the English Language,”
“Political language is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind.”
We live in an age that glorifies lies and supports evil. People are eager to promote lies. In our modern societies, truthful people are regarded as abnormal or weird.
As children observe their parents and older people lie, they imitate and when they grow up, they, too, become liars.
Truth is a strange concept to many people. Some people lie to gain popularity.
People, mostly politicians, who are eager to tarnish the reputations of their opponents, are quick to use anything they hear against their opponents. They do not consider that their opponents will use the same dirty tactics to play against them tomorrow. If you use dirty tactics against your opponents to gain power, your opponents will also use similar tactics to wrest power from you tomorrow.
Instead of hating and planning evil against fellow human beings, use your time for positive achievements. Attitude is a major determinant of success or failure.
Have a positive attitude. Be self-disciplined. Restrict yourself from doing negative or evil things… obey principles.
I read a quote on the internet about a successful businessman who was asked, “How have you done so much in your lifetime?”
He replied, “I grow great by dreams. I have turned my mind loose to imagine what I wanted to do. Then I have gone to bed and thought about my dreams. In the night I dreamt about my dreams. And when I awoke in the morning, I saw the way to make my dreams real. While other people were saying, ‘You can’t do that, it is impossible,’ I was well on my way to achieving what I wanted.”
From the answer he gave, he did not waste his time musing about how the world is full of hardships. He did not waste his time planning how to hate others. He was not musing about the negative things and lies he could say about people who did not treat him with respect. He planned, worked hard and diligently to excel. He rejected negative emotions.
Emotion is a strong feeling… hatred, love, joy, anxiety, anger, sorrow, or fear. Emotions stir up feelings. The feelings may be positive or negative
Our motions can influence our decisions and make us act rightly or wrongly, and the results may be good or bad. Bad emotions, like uncontrolled anger, destroy relationships.
We communicate with our emotions when we express what we like or do not like. Depending on how we react emotionally, we may destroy or maintain cordial relationships. People have destroyed their relationships with loved ones because of their inability to control their emotions.
We all have strong feelings. Sometimes, we experience a battle of the emotions. Some people, however, have learned to control their emotions and so can maintain relationships with people.
There is an old Cherokee Indian fable about the two emotions battling inside each of us.
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, “My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.
“One is Evil – It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
“The other is Good – It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
Many people are unable to control their emotions. They let their anger go out of control.
Marriages have broken down because of uncontrolled emotions.
The good news is that we can undo habits just as we formed them.
The choices that we made became part of our daily lives. They became our habits and behaviors. But we can make choices to undo them.
Habitual behavior sometimes goes unnoticed in persons exhibiting them. An angry person can be emotionally angry at the least trigger.
However, we were not born that way. We grew up learning and practicing them. We planted or sowed them, and they took root in our minds, and we nurtured them in the brain as we practiced them. Then they grew into habits, or they become characteristics in our lives.
The brain adapts to new ways of thinking and believing. So, our brains adapted to the new behavioral thoughts that we trained our minds to accept. As we repeated the actions or performed them, they eventually became ingrained in the brain as habits or behaviors.
A person learns to smoke and becomes addicted to smoking. A person learns to drink and becomes addicted to drinking. In the same way, people become addicted to drugs. Then we start behaving in the new way — and a new habit or character is formed. Like a person who learns and practices boxing, football (soccer) or any game or trade, and becomes perfect. These actions or behaviors become automatic and almost effortless, and we became identified with them.
Romans 12:2 says we are transformed by the renewing of the mind. And Ephesians 4:23 also says we are renewed in the spirit of the mind. That is, we develop character by renewing and transforming our mentality.
Some habits may take longer to change. But anyone who is determined can change.
When we practice something, we become better at doing it. So, if we practice delaying reacting when our emotions rise, we eventually learn to delay reacting. The more you practice the easier it becomes subsequently and eventually it turns to become a new character or behavior.
Proverbs 16:32 says, “He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.” (NKJV)
And Proverbs 19:11 says, “The discretion of a man delays his anger, and it is his glory to overlook a transgression.”
We must settle whatever grievances with have with people as quickly as possible. We must settle misunderstandings before we go to bed and after we have forgiven and made reconciliation. So, we read in Ephesians 4:26-27 that we must not let the sun go down on our anger.
A scientific paper was published, confirming why we should not go to bed without resolving our anger, and confirming the advice in Ephesians 4:26-27 that we should not let the sun go down on our anger.
The article appeared on Science Alert webpage titled, “We now have scientific evidence for why you should never go to bed angry.” It read,
Scientists have found that sleep actually consolidates bad memories, making you live with them for longer. Sleep’s role in helping us consolidate our memories is vital in how we process and store useful information, but a new study shows that the same principle applies to negative thoughts – if we fall asleep with them, they can be harder to forget in the long term. (You may read the report on https://www.sciencealert.com/we-now-have-scientific-evidence-for-why-you-should-never-go-to-bed-angry.)
The research reflects the advice in Ephesians 4:26-27, “Be angry, and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.”
And in James 1:19-20 we read, “Therefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger: for the anger of man works not the righteousness of God,” (KJ2000).
Learn to deal with anger quickly, discard it before the sun sets, and before you go to bed. Learn to control your emotions and ego.
