Category: Anger and Violence

How To Deal With Disagreements

Returning anger for anger does not resolve conflict. If you hit or insult a person in return for what he or she did, he or she will likely retaliate.

Proverbs 24:29, therefore, says, “Do not say, ‘I will do to him just as he has done to me; I will render to the man according to his work,'” (NKJV).

The late Martin Luther King, Jr., said, “Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.”

Aesop illustrates this truth in one of his fables, “The Lion and the Boar.”

On a hot day, a lion and a boar met at a small water body for a drink. They argued and fought about who should drink first. Some vultures on a tree watching them took sides. One side said the lion had the right to drink first, while the other said the boar had the first right to drink.  As they fought on, more vultures gathered. They, too, took sides. The lion and the boar tore at each other as the vultures cheered on. After a while, they were tired and stopped for breath. Then they realized that the vultures were waiting for one of them to die or both to die so they could feast on their carcasses. The lion and the boar then decided that it was best to make up and be friends rather than become food for the vultures. They stopped fighting, drank the water together, and went on their separate ways.

People who encourage you to fight take advantage of you.

When people or countries fight, other people and countries enrich themselves by selling arms to them. After the war, reconstructions take place. And those who stood by watching are the ones who are engaged and paid to do the reconstructions. 

Learn to listen to your angry opponents though you disagree with them. It makes it easier for them to listen to you, too. Listening to your opponent explaining or expressing his or her views will help minimize the conflict.

Let your opponent know that you are interested in what he or she is saying even though you disagree with him or her. This helps to create an opening for you to engage the opponent, and provide the opportunity for you, too, to express your views.

Listening will help you to understand your opponent, even though you may still disagree with him or her. Fault-finding and name-calling will rather ignite more arguments, and intensify your opponent’s anger instead of solving the matter. Everybody believes that he or she is right.

Some people conceal their aggression. They hide their anger and hate. They have what is known as a concealed form of aggression. They express their anger without communicating their feelings directly. It is called passive aggression. The dictionary defines passive aggression as a behavior characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others while avoiding direct confrontation.

They dish out criticism, using reverse attack, but cannot withstand others critiquing them. They like hurting their opponents. They love to attack the integrity of their opponents or say anything to hurt the emotions of their opponents. They spew out vitriolic words even when they know what they say is not true. They speak like the piercings of the sword, (Proverbs 12:18).

Remain calm and avoid further arguments with them.

Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (NIV)

Don’t let what they say ruffle you. Think before you speak. “The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly. (Proverbs 15:2; NIV)

It will not be easy initially, because as a human being, you will be hurt by their insults. However, if you practice ignoring what they say, the sting in their words will lose its venom and you would not feel the hurt anymore.

Jesus always listened carefully before answering accusers and those who verbally attacked him.

  • The Samaritan woman was hostile and sarcastic. But Jesus did not hit back at her. Eventually, he was able to calm her emotions and her prejudice and make her listen to him.
  • Some Jews asked him whether it was right to pay taxes to Caesar. Jesus responded wisely by telling them they should give what belonged to Caesar to Caesar and what belonged to God to God. The coin they showed Jesus had Caesar’s image. Human beings, on the other hand, are created in God’s image. It is right to give back to Caesar what Caesar gave you in the form of taxes. But worship belongs to God who created us in his image. Therefore, we must worship only God.

If you make what you present pleasant to people, they will want to listen to you. Then as they are listening, you can help them to understand your point of view. In that, you are helping them to make informed decisions.

Don’t be offended when your opponent suggests alternative opinions to yours. Listen carefully and evaluate what you hear so you can confidently say how yours is right or better. You could also be wrong.

Know when to stop arguing. Proverbs 17:28 says, “Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.” (ESV)

Don’t be sarcastic with your responses. Respect your opponent’s views and intelligence. You are not the only wise person in the world. Don’t be like Job’s friends who regarded themselves as the only wise persons in the world. Job told them, “No doubt you are the people, and wisdom will die with you.”(ESV)

Stop contending with people if you realize that they are not interested in listening to you, and will not allow you to explain your side of the matter. The more you contend with a person disagreeing with you, the more that person rages and fumes.

Proverbs 26:21 says, “A quarrelsome person starts fights as easily as hot embers light charcoal or fire lights wood,” (NLT). 

Ingratitude

It is painful when your spouse, your child, or your friend, forgets the good things you have done for him or her and accuses you of being uncaring. Some people choose to forget the good things you have done for them but rather will accuse you of bad things that you have not done.

Ingratitude is everywhere, in all generations, and among all peoples. Even in the Bible, we read of people being ungrateful to God.

People can be selfish and quick to abuse kindness. They quickly forget the kindness that you have done for them. And will swear you have never done anything for them. They will even gang up with people who seek your downfall.

No matter how many times you help them, when you are unable to help them, then they will forget any good thing you ever did for them.

It happened to me several years ago. I have been slashed by the tongues of people I have helped feed. People I have aided have turned against me and even denied that I have ever helped them.

Fortunately for me, some residents knew what I did to those people who had turned around to falsely accuse me.

One resident could not hide his astonishment. He said to me in astonishment, “What? I can’t believe what I am hearing from this person! This person who is accusing you was the person who hailed and praised you for being an angel. Whenever you helped him, he would tell me and shower praises on you. Today he denies you ever helped him. I find it difficult to believe that this is happening. Fear man!”

Ingrates don’t care even if for very good reasons you cannot help them when they need your help. They choose to forget that you were the same angel who helped them in their times of need.

Ingrates are never satisfied – they don’t remember any good deed you did for them.

Even if you have ever saved them from death, and paid their debts for them, they will decide to forget your kind deeds when you are not able to continue helping. They will call you stingy and evil. They will not recollect that you had been a benefactor to them and to their families when they were hungry and needed help.

Most people are generally not appreciative. While you are trying to please them, they are accusing you. They use all the negative descriptions they can against you.

God noted this about the human character in Genesis 6:5,

“And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.” (KJ2000)

Perhaps you have also been a victim of such people as I have.

When that happens, the first thing that comes to mind is to swear not to help anybody again.

But if the Spirit of God indwells you, you cannot resist the urge of the Spirit to demonstrate the character of God, your Father. You will obey the urgings of the Spirit of God to do good to both the thankful and the unthankful (Matthew 5:45; Luke 6:35-36).

The ingrate cannot appreciate the good things you do for him or her. He or she rather complains that your help is not good enough. They are always complaining and whining. They think it is their right and so they demand good deeds from people while they will not stretch a hand to help anyone. Some will not say even say, “Thank you,” for what you do for them. They think the world owes them good deeds and favors.

They always want more and are never satisfied. They find fault with you no matter how hard you try to please them.

You can be with them for forty or fifty years and they will never remember anything you did for them. Their mantra is always, “He or she has never done anything for me.” Of course, they are lying. You did so much for them. Ingratitude has filled their hearts, so they don’t appreciate anything that anyone has done for them.

They blame you for the mistakes they make themselves. They don’t blame themselves for their own mistakes. And so, it is always someone else who is the reason they are not successful in life.

However, they are quick to take the glory of your success and wear it. They attribute your access to their efforts even when they did everything possible to make you fail. They fail to remember that they were persuading you to stop striving because they didn’t believe you could be successful. Now that you are successful, they want to claim your glory.

Though they themselves are not successful in life, they are always pointing and laughing at people they think are not successful.

They don’t care about how you feel. They care only about themselves. They will do everything to make you miserable so they can be happy.

They are always praising themselves even when everyone sees them as failures.

Their hearts are filled with hate and bitterness. They don’t have compassion for anyone. Yet they believe they are the only compassionate ones in the world.

When you do something from conscience to help them, they praise you for your loyalty. They will say you have done what people of conscience do. They will call you a patriot for doing that. They praise you and say you are Godfearing. Because only the Godfearing will have the conscience to do for them what you did.

But if one of them also does what you have done, if the help or good deed is not for them but for others, they will shout on top of their voices, and condemn. They will call him or her a traitor.

They are quick to forget that some people responded to their conscience and took a similar stance to help them, vote for them, or agree with them. When others did that for them, they did not reckon that to be a betrayal. They admired the boldness and integrity of the people who took bold stances to support their cause. They prayed to God to send people like them who, for the sake of conscience, will be bold to do and say what is right.

But now that one of them, too, has done what you did, they interpret the action to be a betrayal. If it is coming from their camp, from their own people, then it is a betrayal.

That is how the world treats us.

It is good if it is against their opponent, but bad or treachery if it is against them. If it is against them, then disagreement becomes a betrayal.

Conscience can make a person do what a person believes is right, even if it might be against the person’s own friends, relations, or even interests.

Your spouse may refuse to do what you want and think it is his or her right to do so. But when you, too, do the same, then your spouse may feel hurt and accuse you of betrayal. That is the color of ingratitude.

They call people traitors when people change their minds to do what they had earlier agreed to do.

Perhaps, after thinking through, their conscience spoke to them. And because conscience is powerful, they rescind their decision to go ahead with what they had previously agreed to do. But ingrates don’t see it that way.

We must learn to persuade and not compel people against their will.

People may call you a fool if you are very tolerant. If you are someone who forgives people for treating you negatively, people may regard you as a fool.

People can forgive the evil done them because of the Spirit of God indwelling them. If you allow the Spirit of God to operate in you, you can forgive evil people others think do not deserve forgiveness. You can forgive any evil done to you if God’s Spirit of love and compassion operates fully in you.

I am happy, and I thank God that I live in this world despite all the evils and other negative things happening. I allow God’s Spirit to direct me in all that I do.

I have the heart to forgive all who trespass against me. Because of that some people think I am a fool. They don’t understand that I am a peacemaker, and my motivator is Jesus Christ, the Prince of Peace.

Wherever God places you in this world, whichever community God places you in, know that you are God’s representative. God expects you to represent Him. To be good, and kind, show compassion to everyone, and help people who need help.

However, you can do that according to your capacity, the ability that God has endowed you with. God does not expect you to do beyond what you are able. God will provide the means, the capacity. Do what you can do and leave the rest to God.

Don’t be worried about what people say. If you don’t have the capacity to do beyond what you are doing to help people, God knows. What people say in their ignorance does not change God’s perception of you.

Therefore, in the village, in the city, and wherever you are, God expects you to do your part as He wants. Fulfill God’s purpose for creating and placing you where you are now.

Don’t disappoint God.

Show your gratitude to God by doing good, being kind, and representing God in all aspects of your life. Do not be conformed to the world. Rather be transformed by the renewing of your mind to know what God wants and expects you to do (Romans 12:2).

We read in Ephesians 4:22-24,

22 … put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, 23 and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, 24 and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness. (NKJV)

From this passage, we learn that the brain restructures and reframes to adapt to new information we feed it.

Conduct (that is, your manner of life, your behavior) is changed if you renew the spirit of the mind. Change your mental attitude; learn what God wants you to do.

Your belief creates or destroys.  You become a new personality by reframing your thinking and adopting a new way of doing things. We are, therefore, instructed in Ephesians 4:24-32 to feed the mind with positive thoughts, and good ideas, and act on them.

The spirit of the mind is renewed as we feed the mind with new thoughts and actions (Ephesians 4:23).

The body obeys the mind by putting into action what the mind suggests. And so, we feed the brain with new thoughts or ideas. The brain then forms new patterns for the new behaviors that we perform in accordance with the actions suggested by our thoughts or minds.

We learn in Romans 8 that God’s Spirit indwelling us transforms us into the spiritual nature of God’s Spirit. However, we cannot advance into spirituality if we cannot believe and obey. Our beliefs dominate our lives. Your beliefs create or limit your potential. Furthermore, the spirit in your body directs your body and transforms you to become a new person, living a new way.

The body, which is the temple of your spirit, is also the temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19). The Spirit of God, or the Holy Spirit, pours into your spirit when God pours his Spirit upon you. Just as milk blends with water when you pour milk into it, and both become one, so our spirit is changed to adapt to the nature of the Holy Spirit.

Therefore, the Bible, in 1 Corinthians 6:17, tells us, “But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit. (NIV)

We cannot reinterpret the statement any other way. If the Holy Spirit wanted us to understand it differently, the Holy Spirit would have inspired the writer to use the appropriate words.

The Bible simply tells us that God’s Spirit, indwelling your body, makes you spiritual. Just as the milk turns or transforms the water to be whitish or creamy. The water does not change or transform itself. It is the milk that changes or transforms the water.

Therefore, allowing God’s Spirit full access enables the actualization of the Spirit in our spirits and lives. The presence of the Spirit in us actuates the power of the indwelling Spirit of God.

Therefore, Jesus said,

“… you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you.” (Acts 1:8; NIV)

The Spirit in the body demonstrates God’s presence and power in the human person.

On earth, Jesus (the Word of God), lived in a body and demonstrated God’s power in the Spirit.

Your intention – the beliefs in the mind – starts working when you act on your faith.

Therefore, Ephesians 4:23, advises us to be renewed in the spirit of the mind.” That means, changing your thoughts, changing your mental attitude.

Therefore, in Ephesians 4:22-24 we read,

22 … put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, 23 and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, 24 and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness. (NKJV)

As inferred earlier, conduct (behavior) is changed by the renewal of the spirit of the mind, by renewing your mental attitude.

The brain can restructure and reframe to adapt to new information. Therefore, we are instructed in Ephesians 4:24-32 to feed the mind with positive thoughts, and good ideas, and act on them.

The spirit of the mind is renewed as we feed the mind with new thoughts and actions (Ephesians 4:23). The spirit then becomes renewed or changed (or transformed). The body has the capacity to attract and put into action what the mind suggests. The brain then forms new patterns for the new behaviors according to the actions suggested by our thoughts.

In Romans 8, we read that God’s Spirit indwelling us enables us to become spiritual. So, it is the Spirit of God that makes us spiritual or transforms our spirit to become like God.

Our beliefs dominate our lives. Our belief enhances or limits our potential in us. The Spirit living in the body directs the body and transforms it into spirituality.

As mentioned earlier, the body is the temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19). And God’s Spirit, indwelling your body, makes you spiritual. The Spirit in the body is God’s presence and power in the human body.

This is demonstrated in the Bible when, on earth, Jesus (the Word of God), demonstrated God’s power through the Spirit in his human body.

We read of the ingratitude of the Children of Israel in the Bible. They repeatedly showed ingratitude towards God. They accused God of neglecting them. They did not remember anything God had done for their fathers or for them. They forgot that God parted the Red Sea for them to cross to safety, while he drowned their enemies. He drowned the Egyptians to save the Children of Israel. But they forgot what God did for them.

Another example of ingratitude is in Luke 17:11-18,

11 Now it happened as He went to Jerusalem that He passed through the midst of Samaria and Galilee. 12 Then as He entered a certain village, there met Him ten men who were lepers, who stood afar off. 13 And they lifted up their voices and said, “Jesus, Master, have mercy on us!” 14 So when He saw them, He said to them, “Go, show yourselves to the priests.” And so it was that as they went, they were cleansed.15 And one of them, when he saw that he was healed, returned, and with a loud voice glorified God, 16 and fell down on his face at His feet, giving Him thanks. And he was a Samaritan.17 So Jesus answered and said, “Were there not ten cleansed? But where are the nine?  18 Were there not any found who returned to give glory to God except this foreigner?” (NKJV)

His own people, the Jews, did not return to show gratitude for what God had done for them. They took it for granted. The foreigner, a Samaritan, rather showed appreciation for what God did for them. The Samaritan returned to show his gratitude to Jesus.

Jesus wondered why the others did not remember to return and show their appreciation.

As indicated earlier, ingratitude is not new. It has been in existence since the creation of the world.

Adam and Eve displayed ingratitude toward God when they listened to the serpent rather than believing God. They wanted more and ended up losing God’s protection. Their ingratitude caused their expulsion from the Garden of Eden. Furthermore, they lost the abundance that existed in the Garden of Eden.

Psalm 78:11-33 outlines the example of the ingratitude of the Children of Israel.

Your intention – the beliefs in the mind – starts working when you act on your faith. That is why the Bible advises us to be renewed in the spirit of the mind (Ephesians 4:23).

Let us learn to be grateful and appreciate what people have done for us. Don’t be an ingrate. Let the Spirit of God help you to appreciate the good things that people have done for you.

Be thankful to God and allow the Spirit of Christ to indwell you.

Why you should listen to your opponent when you are angry … Part 1

Why you should listen to your opponent when you are angry, does not seem to be a wise suggestion. Yet it is the right advice.

Why you should listen to your opponent when you are angry
You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view … Harper Lee

Religious people, politicians – everybody – should learn to listen to opposing views. We must learn to listen to the other person in our angry moments.

Students shoot and kill when they can’t have their way. In anger, they vent their frustrations on innocent people.

Religious militants attack and kill people who express different views. They angrily and violently defend their beliefs but will not allow others to express theirs. Their anger makes it difficult for them to tolerate divergent opinions.

We live daily in fear of angry suicide bombers who strike at random.

Some people can’t listen to opposing views yet want others to listen to theirs.

Listening helps solve problems. When we listen, we hear what our opponents say.

Why you should listen to your opponet when you are angry
Most people do not listen with the intent to understand… Stephen R. Covey

We must not listen only to rebut. Sincere listening helps us understand our opponent’s problems and views. We must listen to know the problem, so we can respond appropriately.

Some people hate to listen when their opponents tell them they are wrong. When their opponents suggest different options, they find it difficult to listen.

Ego also prevents us from listening.

A man noticed a police officer trying hard to make some local people obey him. He observed that they did not understand the English language that the police officer spoke. So he suggested that the officer could make them understand if he spoke in a language they understood.

The police officer asked the gentleman angrily, “Are you the one to teach me how to do my work?” The suggestion offended the police officer’s ego. Yet he was not making headway by his approach.

Why you should listen to your opponent when you are angry
Be not quick in your spirit to become angry

The gentleman tried to explain but the police officer got angrier. He and his colleagues assaulted the gentleman, resulting in the man sustaining injuries.

The man was trying to help. But their inflated and conceited ego made it difficult for them to appreciate the man’s good intentions and views.

When we are arguing we are more interested in what we say than what others say. So we become impatient and can’t wait for them to finish expressing or elaborating on their views. And we interrupt with our prejudices.

We may interpret our opponents’ contrary views to be personal attacks on us.

Listening to another person’s point of view does not necessarily mean you agree with him or her.

When you listen to people you get to know how they think and why they behave the way they do. And that contributes to solving the problem. That is why you should listen to your opponent when you are angry.

Religious militants believe they are always right. They insist they are right even when evidence or proof is provided to suggest otherwise. They can’t acknowledge that others, too, could be right.

Angel Cataluna says,

“To handle an objection you must first listen to the other person, and make sure they know you are listening.” (Angel A. Cataluna, Basic Influencing and Persuasion.)

If your opponent knows that you are open to listen to what he or she says, he or she, too, will listen to you.  You can disagree with each other, and yet have a healthy dialogue.

We learn by listening and observing. And as Cataluna said, we must make sure they know we are listening. That encourages them to also want to listen to us. That is why you should listen to your opponent when you are angry.

(Further Reading, “Why Persuasion Is Better Than Force.”)

(“Conquering Without Being Violent.”)

Uncontrolled anger

 

To be continued…

 

Controlling Anger … Part 2 of controlling emotional anger

Controlling anger is difficult, but with commitment you will be able to do it.

Controlling anger requires effort and determination. 

Controlling anger
He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty

Controlling emotional anger should be a deliberate act

Transformation will occur if you feed your mind with patience, tolerance, and love. These qualities will transform your personality from the angry and aggressive to the peaceful and friendly.

How do you transform your aggressive and angry behavior?

Transformation will start with the controlling of your emotions. The inner mind begins the transformation process using what you feed it. Moreover, your personality will begin to reflect the new pattern that your mind is shaping with the new data.

Counter negative and hostile thoughts with positive, calm and friendly thoughts. Your mind will always respond to what you feed it. And tolerance will help you listen to other people’s views even if you disagree with them.

William Arthur Ward said,

“It is wise to direct your anger towards problems — not people; to focus your energies on answers — not excuses.”

controlling anger
It’s honorable to stop striving

(You may also be interested in reading, “Persuasion is Better Than Force.”)

We read in Ephesians 4:22-24 how we can reframe the mind. We can renew our  mind by feeding it with new positive thoughts. Furthermore, the brain will adapt to the new suggestions we feed it. As we continue to feed the mind with the new thoughts, and continue to act on them, we develop a pattern of new thoughts and responses.

The new thoughts and behaviors become ingrained in the mind, eventually becoming new habits, and transforming us into new personalities, (Romans 12:2).

(Suggested further reading)

Controlling anger can be done in an assertive way

Controlling anger in an assertive way should be non-aggressive. We must not use the frontal attack, no matter how much we disagree with people. Moreover, we must not be quick to become angry.

“Do not hasten in your spirit to be angry, for anger rests in the bosom of fools,” (Ecclesiastes 7:9).

We must practice doing the right thing until it becomes part of our thinking and acting processes.

Leo Tolstoy said,

“The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.”

You must, therefore, learn not to respond in anger when you disagree with people. Don’t let your emotions explode in anger when you disagree with people.

Brian Tracy remarked that,

“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.”

Be slow to anger and take your time to listen to the other person.

(Suggested further reading, “Conquering Without Being Violent”)

If you truly want to change, you will persist until you have formed the new habit of patience and tolerance.

Controlling emotional anger … Part 1

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Controlling emotional anger

Controlling emotional anger is difficult and frustrating. Also, uncontrolled anger can be scary and destructive.

Anger is a powerful emotion and is very difficult to control. 

We use anger to check people who do us wrong. Moreover, we may use anger as a violent weapon against people we hate.

We must learn to be angry without being violent.

Some of us struggle to control emotional anger when people do not listen to us. Religious militants, for instance, use violence to compel people to listen.  They proclaim that their deity is peaceful, loving and merciful. And yet they use violence to compel people to worship their deity.

It is possible to control emotional anger

Human beings have the capacity to do what they want without using violence. We can articulate our beliefs or opinions without using anger or violence. So, controlling our emotional anger is possible.

You may want to read how to manage anger

Controlling emotional anger helps us to stay calm

Life is a constant struggle. Moreover, people will attack your person and make you feel bad. When that happens don’t seek to equalize.

Tell people how their words are hurting you. But do not attack them. Deal with the problem.

Do not say, “I will do to him just as he has done to me; I will render to the man according to his work.” (Proverbs 24:29; NKJV)

Do not let negative and angry thoughts linger on your mind.

(You may want to read “Conquering Without Being Violent”)

Controlling emotional anger will help develop a forbearing attitude

Don’t react angrily to angry situations.

You can control your emotional anger by feeding your brain with positive information. So, feed it with peace, love, compassion, and tolerance.

How do you transform your aggressive and angry personality, and how can you be angry without being angrier?  You must renew your mind.

To be continued