Why you should listen to your opponent when you are angry … Part 1

Why you should listen to your opponent when you are angry, does not seem to be a wise suggestion. Yet it is the right advice.

Why you should listen to your opponent when you are angry
You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view … Harper Lee

Religious people, politicians – everybody – should learn to listen to opposing views. We must learn to listen to the other person in our angry moments.

Students shoot and kill when they can’t have their way. In anger, they vent their frustrations on innocent people.

Religious militants attack and kill people who express different views. They angrily and violently defend their beliefs but will not allow others to express theirs. Their anger makes it difficult for them to tolerate divergent opinions.

We live daily in fear of angry suicide bombers who strike at random.

Some people can’t listen to opposing views yet want others to listen to theirs.

Listening helps solve problems. When we listen, we hear what our opponents say.

Why you should listen to your opponet when you are angry
Most people do not listen with the intent to understand… Stephen R. Covey

We must not listen only to rebut. Sincere listening helps us understand our opponent’s problems and views. We must listen to know the problem, so we can respond appropriately.

Some people hate to listen when their opponents tell them they are wrong. When their opponents suggest different options, they find it difficult to listen.

Ego also prevents us from listening.

A man noticed a police officer trying hard to make some local people obey him. He observed that they did not understand the English language that the police officer spoke. So he suggested that the officer could make them understand if he spoke in a language they understood.

The police officer asked the gentleman angrily, “Are you the one to teach me how to do my work?” The suggestion offended the police officer’s ego. Yet he was not making headway by his approach.

Why you should listen to your opponent when you are angry
Be not quick in your spirit to become angry

The gentleman tried to explain but the police officer got angrier. He and his colleagues assaulted the gentleman, resulting in the man sustaining injuries.

The man was trying to help. But their inflated and conceited ego made it difficult for them to appreciate the man’s good intentions and views.

When we are arguing we are more interested in what we say than what others say. So we become impatient and can’t wait for them to finish expressing or elaborating on their views. And we interrupt with our prejudices.

We may interpret our opponents’ contrary views to be personal attacks on us.

Listening to another person’s point of view does not necessarily mean you agree with him or her.

When you listen to people you get to know how they think and why they behave the way they do. And that contributes to solving the problem. That is why you should listen to your opponent when you are angry.

Religious militants believe they are always right. They insist they are right even when evidence or proof is provided to suggest otherwise. They can’t acknowledge that others, too, could be right.

Angel Cataluna says,

“To handle an objection you must first listen to the other person, and make sure they know you are listening.” (Angel A. Cataluna, Basic Influencing and Persuasion.)

If your opponent knows that you are open to listen to what he or she says, he or she, too, will listen to you.  You can disagree with each other, and yet have a healthy dialogue.

We learn by listening and observing. And as Cataluna said, we must make sure they know we are listening. That encourages them to also want to listen to us. That is why you should listen to your opponent when you are angry.

(Further Reading, “Why Persuasion Is Better Than Force.”)

(“Conquering Without Being Violent.”)

Uncontrolled anger

 

To be continued…

 

How to make people listen to you, and how to make people accept your message … Part 2

How long have you been battling with the question of “how to make people listen to you”?

Do you struggle with the question of “how to make people accept your message”?

Do you get angry and frustrated when people reject your message?

Do you use the frontal attack as religious militants do?
Market street scene
The frontal attack is combative.

It attacks the listener in the guise of providing information, and triggers a fight response from the listener. It is aggressive in approach and invites same in response. 

It is the method militants use. It is not peaceful, and has no touch of love. It is brutal and does not consider the feelings and rights of others.

Never use the frontal attack; use the reverse method

Explain the benefits of what you are offering. Make the listener see how he or she will benefit. Do not force the listener. Let him or her decide; let him or her choose willingly.  People want to choose what they want, and what they think will benefit them.

The Samaritan woman Jesus met by the well had lived a life of a whore; she had lived with five different people. At the time Jesus met her, she was living with a sixth man, (John 4:17-18). She needed spiritual deliverance.
However, Jesus knew that the existing enmity between the Jews and the Samaritans could make it difficult for her to listen to Him. He, therefore, used the reverse method. He asked her for water. When she reminded Jesus that Jews and Samaritans did not talk to each other, Jesus ignored the remark, and rather stated her spiritual need.
Jesus told her,

“If you knew the gift of God, and who it is who is saying to you, ‘Please give me a drink,’ you would have been the one to ask him, and he would have given you living water.” (International Standard Version)

Jesus used ‘water’ to get the woman’s attention. Water was her need at that time. She wondered how Jesus would give her  living water when He had no bucket to draw water; besides, moments ago He had asked her for water to drink. Jesus was using a strategy to engage her to talk back so He could explain to her the spiritual gift He had for her. If Jesus had started by telling her He wanted to give her a gift, she would have ignored Him.

When she retorted, Jesus ignored her sarcasm and rather emphasized on her spiritual need. She became interested in the special water that could “become a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life.” (John 4:14)
He was offering the woman eternal life by using what she valued at the time -‘water’. He got her undivided attention. She was no more thinking about the enmity between Jews and Samaritans. She was now willing to receive from a Jew.
She said,

“Sir, give me this water that I may not thirst, nor come here to draw water.” (John 4:15)

Jesus now had to make her confess her life of sin. Again, He refrained from using the frontal method. He did not tell her, “You must confess your sin before I can give you this water.” That would have provoked her. She would have called other Samaritans to come and see a Jew who had the audacity to come to the city of Samaritans and insult a Samaritan. Angry Samaritans would have come out to lynch that Jew.
He told her to go and bring her husband, though He knew she had no husband. The woman on her own volition confessed that she had no husband. By her confession she  gave Jesus the opportunity to remind her the number of men she had lived with.

That was a powerful revelation

She wondered, “How can this man know my secret life? Is He a prophet?” She answered back, “Sir, I perceive that You are a prophet.” She proceeded to talk about worship and the disagreement between Jews and Samaritans, providing Jesus the opportunity to teach her.
After listening to Jesus expound on worship and spirituality, and telling her He was the Messiah, she became convinced. She left her water pot, went her way into the city, and told other Samaritans about the stranger who could be the Christ; her testimony drew the people to Jesus.

People will listen to you if you articulate your views convincingly
Do not use force as the Boko Haram, Al-Shabaab, ISIS, Al-Qaeda, and other religious militants are doing
Aftermath of Boko Haram Islamic militants attack and destruction of a village and a Christian church in northern Nigeria
Aftermath of Boko Haram Islamic militant attack and destruction of a village and a Christian church in northern Nigeria

 

  • Do not attack people when they do not readily respond to your message
  • Show them the beauty of your cause, not the ugliness and hatred of your cause
  • Patiently discuss how the listener stands to gain when he or she accepts what you are offering.

(Read “Murder and rape in God’s name… God’s Executioners on the loose.”)

The Almighty God, the all Powerful One, does not compel people. Why should you? He says, “Come now, and let us reason together…” (Isaiah 1:18).

 

Power of Persuasion… Part 3

Learn to use the power of persuasion

Residents flee Hohoe violence
News report on conflict – Ghana

You can learn to use the power of peaceful persuasion to attract listeners.

It begins as a desire in your mind.  As you think and act you become. Jesus said,

“Therefore, I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them.” (Mark 11:24; New King James Version)

Proverbs 23:7 says, “For as he thinketh in his heart so is he.”

The seat of emotions (the amygdala) in the brain plays a significant role in controlling  the physical effects associated with feeling and action.

Our emotions can also make us react before the part of the brain responsible for thinking and evaluation is able to check on the reasonableness of our reaction. Angry and violent people follow their emotions; they react impulsively in anger. Some end up murdering or doing horrible things, as in the case of suicide bombers and religious militants. Some spouses, too, commit atrocious deeds when they are angry.

“He who is slow to wrath has great understanding, but he who is impulsive exalts folly,” (Proverbs 14:29; New King James Version)

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Scientific studies on the mind and the human brain agree with the Bible that we can be transformed by the renewing of our mind (Romans 12:2).

Harry Mills, Ph.D., points out that “No one is born with a chronic anger problem. Rather, chronic anger and aggressive response styles are learned.” He explains further that,

“Children growing up in a household where one parent constantly berates and belittles the other learn to berate and belittle themselves, and then often recreate this behavior when they grow up and enter into relationships by berating and belittling their partners.” (Harry Mills, Ph.D., Anger Styles Are Learned, mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php)

Violent and angry people can retrain and reframe their minds and learn to become peaceful.

You need to constantly affirm your desire; repeating them daily. Your affirmations will affect your behavior and determination.

Muhammad Ali, regarded as the greatest in boxing history, was fantastic and ruled the ring for many years. He called himself the greatest and told the world that he was the greatest, even while he was striving to excel and had not yet become the world champion.  He said,

“It’s the repetition of affirmations that leads to beliefs. And once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things begin to happen.”

Medical science reveals that the brain restructures itself and adapts according to the repetitions of actions. The brain recognizes repetitions as patterns, which eventually lead to habit formation. Repeating actions will eventually make them happen automatically or almost automatically.

Listening and making people listen is not difficult for many. Many do not know how to encourage people to listen
Listening to people and making people listen is difficult for many. Many do not know how to encourage people to listen

How to make people listen to you

  • Listen carefully and show interest in what they say.
  •  Do not argue, and do not force them to accept your views.
  • Do not strive to prove them wrong. Do not attack their views; you will indirectly make them dislike you.
  • Do not defend and do not debate. Discuss rather than instruct.
  • See your opponent as a friend and not an antagonist.
  • Listen to their objections and address them candidly. If you refuse to listen to them they, too, will not listen to you.
  • Tolerate and don’t be sarcastic in your remarks.
  • Smile …. don’t be angry.

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To be continued

Power of Persuasion… Part 2

There is power in persuasion

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“..yes, the time is coming that whoever kills you will think that he offers God service.” (Jesus – John 16:2)
Persuasion has power to win without inflicting harm.

Religious Militants do not know the art of persuasion. They force people to accept their views.

Rockeybell at BarCamp Mentoring Program October 2014
Rockeybell at BarCamp Mentoring Program October 2014

Learn to win without attacking

Learn to present your message effectively without using physical force.
Present your facts; do not attack your opponents’ beliefs.

When you attack them, you make them hate you.

The Christian church was established through the power of persuasive speech. (Acts chapter 2)

Peter, on the day of Pentecost, stood before a hostile crowd, and used the power of persuasion to convict the hearts of listeners. The followers of Jesus Christ were only 120. For fear of being arrested and killed, they hid themselves in the upper room, and prayed.
Thousands of devout Jews from every nation had come to celebrate the Jewish religious festival in Jerusalem; just as millions of Muslims go to Mecca every year for the Hajj.
As the disciples waited on God and prayed, the Holy Spirit came upon them, and they started speaking with other tongues. People who heard them mocked, because they  thought they were drunk.

Peter stood up and spoke persuasively, testifying about Jesus. He exhorted them, and convinced them to abandon their wrong ways and follow Jesus.

Peter did not use physical force to make people believe in Jesus. His words cut their hearts, and they asked, “Men and brethren, what shall we do?

Peter replied,

“Repent, and let everyone of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins; and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. For the promise is to you and to your children, and to all who are afar off, as many as the Lord our God will call.” (Acts 2:37-39; New King James Version)

About three thousand souls believed and became followers of Jesus Christ that day through the power of persuasion; not by the sword.
(We shall continue to examine the power of persuasion in subsequent discussions)

Read Rockeybell’s testimony:

History records wars between Muslims and Christians... A book by Rockeybell
History records wars between Muslims and Christians… A book by Rockeybell

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The Almighty, Peaceful, Loving and Compassionate God does not force people to love Him. When we attack people physically and compel them, we make them hate us. One does not have to kill people if one’s message has substance to convince.
Jesus told us  to warn people, but not to attack them. He said we should leave them to God; God will deal with them on the Day of Judgement. (Luke 10:8-12)
Jesus commaded His followers to  love their enemies; not to hate them.

“But I say to you who hear: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you.” (Luke 6:27-29; New King James)

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Christians are allowed to defend themselves; they are not to be aggressors.
Jesus asked,

“But if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same.” (Luke 6:32-33; New King James Version)

Jesus Christ told His followers  to be different from others. He told them to demonstrate their beliefs by persuading people; no force and no violence.
People who attack and kill innocent people are not true followers of God. They do not have the Spirit of the Compassionate God in them. At a certain time, the disciples were angry with some Samaritans. They remembered Prophet Elijah had called down fire to consume people who had come to arrest him (2 Kings 1:9-12). They asked Jesus to allow them also call fire to consume the Samaritans.

“But He turned and rebuked them, and said, ‘You do not know what manner of spirit you are of. For the Son of Man did not come to destroy men’s lives but to save them.’ And they went to another village.” (Luke 9:55-56; New King James Version)

Jesus said He did not come to destroy people’s lives. He came to save. True and saving religion does not destroy innocent people’s lives.

You may need a copy of the book, “How To Make People (Hostile and Friendly) Listen To You.”
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To be continued

Power of Persuasion…. Part 1

The Power of Persuasion: How and Why

Islamic Militants may not know that  persuasion has tremendous power to convince listeners.

  • Jesus taught His followers to use persuasion
  • He showed them how to win without attacking their opponents

(We shall discuss how to win without attacking as we progress.)

WINNING WITHOUT ATTACKING
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Jesus demonstrated the power of persuasion when He communicated with hostile or difficult people.

The Samaritan woman had lived with several men. She needed salvation. However, because of the hostility  between Jews and Samaritans, Jesus knew she would not accept the truth from Him, a Jew. Jesus, therefore, started a friendly dialogue to make her talk to Him. She was surprised that a Jew would ask a Samaritan water to drink. Jesus ignored her remark and dealt directly on her spiritual need.

He led her patiently to the point where she could assimilate the truth and admit her  sins. With enmity out of the way, and Jesus now a friend, she could ask for the living water that Jesus said He had.

Abraham Lincoln said, “I conquer my enemies when I make them my friends.”
Proverbs 15:2 says, “The tongue of the wise uses knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools pours out foolishness.”

Coercion, hate and violence do not win people’s sympathy.

Militants use violence to promote their religion, and yet they claim they promote a peaceful God and a peaceful religion.

  • The Bible presents a tolerant and peaceful way
  • Jesus told His disciples to use persuasion

Jesus gives true peace…

” Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” (John 14:27: New King James Version)

Christ’s Spirit makes us tolerant

Before he became a Christian, Paul persecuted Christians. But when he became a Christian, he learned the way of the Master Jesus – persuasion.

Why militants can’t tolerate others

They were trained from childhood, by their parents, peers and community leaders, to express themselves through violence. They were not allowed to exercise their own freewill to accept God, but were forced to do so.

Growing up in such environments, they copied the violent behaviors of those who influenced them, and became violent. When they fail to convince people, they become frustrated and end up attacking people. They call their violence ‘peace,‘ because that is how they know peace to be.

John Locke said,
“…true and saving religion consists in the inward persuasion of the mind, without which nothing can be acceptable to God.” (John Locke, A Letter Concerning Toleration. Buffalo, New York: Prometheus Books, 1990; page 20)

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Read Rockeybell’s testimonyhttp://www.peacemakersteam.com/rockeybells-testimony.html

Jesus exhibited a perfect spirit of tolerance.

The disciples were angry with some Samaritans who would not allow Jesus into their city. They wanted to call fire from heaven to consume the Samaritans just as Elijah did in 2 Kings 1:9-12. Jesus rebuked them, and said, “You do not know what manner of spirit you are of. For the Son of Man did not come to destroy men’s lives but to save them.” So they went to another village.” (Luke 9:51-56)

Jesus said,
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.” (Matthew 5:43-45; New King James Version).

We hear of Boko Haram killing innocent people – destroying towns and villages. Yet we know that the Almighty God is peaceful and loving. They abduct women, and rape some of them. Can the victims accept that Boko Haram presents peace?

People will, therefore, continue believing that Boko Haram, Al-Qaeda, Al-Shabaab, and all militants are violent.

To be continued

How Christianity wins without attacking

Winning without attacking people

WE CONQUER WITHOUT VIOLENCE
  • Violent, intolerant people become angry when they fail to convince people to accept their views.
  • Angry husbands brutalize their wives and children when they are unable to make them accept their views.
  • Religious militants attack people and force their religions on them.

Compelling people to accept your views will not make them love you

Jesus taught His followers to use peaceful persuasion.

Aesop illustrates  this in a fable, the North Wind and the Sun.

The North Wind and the Sun argued about who was stronger. They agreed to try their powers upon a traveler, to see who could strip him of his cloak. The North Wind, gathering up all his force, came whirling furiously down upon the man, and caught up his cloak to wrest it from him; but the harder he blew, the more closely the man wrapped it round himself. Failing, he called upon the Sun to see what he, too, could do.

At first, the Sun beamed gently and warmly upon the traveler. The traveler, feeling the genial rays of the sun took off his garment, and walked with it hanging loosely on his shoulders. The Sun continued gradually until he finally released his full strength. At last, the man, overcome with heat, undressed and bathed in a stream that lay in his path, before completing his journey, more lightly clad.

When the Wind tried to wrest the cloak from the traveler, he fought back; on the other hand, when the Sun suggested that it was uncomfortable for him to wear his cloak in that heat, the man accepted the suggestion.

Convincing the listener is  more effective in winning a person

Do not compel people to believe.  Jesus said,

“But whatever city you enter, and they do not receive you, go out into its streets and say, ‘The very dust of your city which clings to us we wipe off against you. Nevertheless know this that the kingdom of God has come near you.’ But I say to you that it will be more tolerable in that Day for Sodom than for that city.” (Luke 10:10-12)

Biblical Christianity is non-violent

God has tremendous power to control people’s minds to worship Him. Yet, He has chosen not to do so. Being a loving God, He does not send suicide bombers to kill innocent people.

Why do Islamic militants prefer using force to make others accept their views?

The Qur’an, in 29:6, says, “And whoever strives, he strives only for himself. Verily, Allah stands not in need of any of the ‘Alamin (mankind, jinn and all that exists)…” (The Noble Qur’an: English translation of the Meanings and Commentary.)

The Qur’an emphatically declares that, “There is no compulsion in religion,” (2:256)

Again we read,

“And had your Lord willed, those on earth would have believed, all of them together. So, will you (O Muhammad) then compel mankind, until they become believers? It is not for any person to believe, except by the leave of Allah, and he will put the wrath on those who are heedless.” (10:99-100)

Why then do Muslim militants compel people to worship Allah?

Suicide bombers attack and kill people because they believe that when they die in the attacks, they will gain paradise. The militants, therefore, do not commit the atrocities on God’s behalf.

  • Jesus used love and persuasion to win Zacchaeus, (Luke 19:1-10)
  • He used persuasion to make the Samaritan woman understand Him, (John 4:7-30)
  • He said, “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you; bless those who curse you and pray for those who spitefully use you,” (Luke 6:27-28)

For further reading visit: http://www.peacemakersteam.com/books.html

Christianity wins without attacking
Christianity wins by love. Jesus taught us to win without attacking.
True and saving religion should have the power to appeal

Genuine religion should be able to persuade and draw people to itself. When we use force we rather emphasize the negative judgments people have formed of us.

Killing innocent people, and abducting defenseless girls and women in the name of God does not help promote God’s cause.

Burning villages and churches, and killing Christians and people who do not accept their religions rather make the victims to hate the attackers and their religions.

We present a wicked, hardhearted God when we are intolerant and violent.

Winning Without Attacking
Rockeybell speaking on “How to communicate with hostile people.”

The Christian God is non-violent

  • The Christian God loves
  • He is truly compassionate.
  • He does not terrorize people.

Share your views with us on winning without fighting, and how can we make the world peaceful.

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Welcome to “Conquering Without Being Violent.”

Conquering Without Being Violent  WIN WITHOUT ATTACKING  Conquering Without Being Violent 001

Can Violent Militants Change?

Daily we read of Islamic militants (Al-Qaeda, Al-Shabaab, Boko Haram, ISIS, etc.), The Lord’s Resistance Army, and suicide bombers using violence to press home their demands. They attack and kill innocent people as they force their decisions and beliefs on them.
School pupils explode in anger and shoot their colleague pupils and teachers.
Islamic militants abduct girls from schools in rural African communities, claiming their religion does not allow females to have education. They rape some of them, impregnating them in the process, and eventually sell them or compel them to marry men the girls do not love.

A loving God does not use hate to make people love Him

“Conquering Without Being Violent” discusses how persuasion convinces people rather than force.
Abraham Lincoln said, we conquer our enemies when we make them our friends.
Jesus told His followers never to use force to make people accept their views. He told His followers to love their enemies; not to hate them.

Topics to discuss on this platform include:

  1. Engaging  people in peaceful dialog
  2. Disagreeing without being offensive
  3. Defending without being polemical

You can conquer by persuasion without being violent

Do you get angry easily?
Are you violent in your reactions?
Do you want to form a new loving and patient habit?
Do you want to turn enemies into friends?

Discussions will include:

  • Using gentle ways in presenting views.
  • Training our angry emotions to calm down in angry situations.
  • Helping the brutish husband to learn to listen.
  • Helping a disrespectful child to learn to listen and obey.
  • Helping the cantankerous wife to learn to listen.
  • Helping the opinionated boss to learn listen to other views.

Truth should be able to persuade and draw people to one’s cause

A person who is persuaded to abandon his or her position voluntarily, will see it as his or her own decision; he or she does not feel coerced.

Is there hope for the chronically angry person?

Why do some people get angry easily?
Can the violent person change?
Can the hot-tempered person change?

Can we control our emotions?